Chapter Text
At first, Dowoon thought he'd always wanted to play drums. His teacher in middle school encouraged him to stand on stage and play for people. The cheer of the crowd gave him a new thrilling experience that it encouraged him to keep doing it in High School so he attended an Art School where he auditioned for a band and also the place where he met the extroverted sunbae, Kang Younghyun.
Dowoon was fifteen turning sixteen. Younghyun was seventeen. Dowoon can still remember the first time they met clearly in his head. The sunbae was taking all the attention the moment he stood in front of people and sang in the small room. He has charisma where star is stamped on his face. It's not like he's the only handsome person in the room but being good-looking doesn't always mean success and it was his first time seeing an ordinary person that felt so different to everyone.
Least to his expectations, the sunbae who has the charisma of a celebrity has an ordinary personality just like everyone in the world. When Dowoon decides to stay in the room because he doesn't have close friends yet, the sunbae does the same. And to his curiosity, Younghyun was sulking. He was sulking towards his friends who went to a dance audition yesterday without him because he lost his phone and they couldn't contact him. Dowoon thinks the sunbae is clumsy and a little bit stupid. If he was the friend chasing time for an audition too, he'd also leave the sunbae behind. So he tried to audition for a band instead, specifically the vocalist position or the guitarist. He doesn't even know bass is a thing in a band. He also just discovered it on the day of the audition.
Dowoon thinks the sunbae is hopeless, good thing he's cute and fun to talk to. He has many stories to share, about the school and the expectations. The demands. The competition. That not everyone who enters Art School can become who they want to be. But Younghyun has confidence, he believes in himself and Dowoon thought that was admiring. He began to think of his future as well. But as time goes on and on and the conversation strays to their personal lives, it just happened then and there.
Younghyun inches and kisses Dowoon on the lip.
They were both startled by what happened a second ago. Dowoon would've screamed but he didn't. Younghyun should've apologized— and he did— and took it back in a second.
Dowoon was confused as hell. But Younghyun pulled his hand and said, "I'll take responsibility."
Dowoon slowly nodded his head. And they kissed for the second time. Younghyun didn't take the opportunity to join the band even when he was offered to be the main vocalist, he made a decision that his passion will always be for dancing. And Dowoon admired Younghyun for being resolute and unwavering. Dowoon played the drums as he wanted to. Soon after, Younghyun got accepted to an agency to become a trainee idol and moved to dorms when he was eighteen.
That's why, Dowoon isn't sure anymore if he can trust Younghyun. He went along to Younghyun's game in those three days when he thought it would end there but to date again, he's uncertain of it. Will love this time be enough for the both of them after everything?
That is why, the rest of his day off became his sleepless nights.
Just more than a month ago, he was doing his own thing then all of a sudden he got in a scandal, and now Younghyun has his number, sending him cringe morning greetings since he left their hometown which he has not replied at all even after returning to Seoul.
"Dowoonie.. you've been staring at your phone the entire time. Are you waiting for a call?" Min Ji chews on a cookie as they sit in Dowoon's living room where he should've been studying his next character for the new drama.
"No."
Kim Min Ji shrugs. "Spending the week with your parents must've been good. You are glowing." She compliments.
After working for ten years together, Min Ji is no longer the type to compliment him out of the blue. So saying that must've been true and he doesn’t want to be seen that way because whenever he is asked about his week, all he can think of is Younghyun whom he has not seen for almost a week now.
"Dowoon-ah, we have two hours for the script reading. We'll depart in an hour so be ready." She says without looking up from her laptop this time.
"Noona, why are you still coming here?"
Min Ji's brows met as she turned in his direction. "I know you're sick of me but I want to accompany you on your first day."
"It's not like that. Thank you for always taking care of me.
"Why do you keep thanking me these days? You're not dying, aren't you?"
"Shut up and continue with whatever you're doing." Dowoon grins.
"Tch.."
The buzzing phone took Dowoon's smile away. It's not because he doesn't like it, he's just nervous all of a sudden just like the first time he initiated to call Younghyun again. He hadn't heard from the idol in the past few days, it felt strange. He glances at Min Ji and discreetly walks up to his bedroom without a word before picking up. "Hello.."
"Why are you not replying to my messages?"
"What messages?"
"Are you not receiving them?"
"What am I supposed to say in your good mornings and good nights?"
"Is it too boring? Should I message you with a trivia?"
"Enough with the bullshit. Why did you call?"
"Isn't today your script reading? I just want to give you my encouragement. And a warning, don't fall in love with anyone."
"Idiot."
"...."
"Younghyun-ah, send me your address. I'll come to you when I'm done."
"Are you serious?"
"When are you coming home?" Dowoon asks with a softer tone this time.
"It should be around 9 PM. I'm meeting a composer later."
"I see. Well, fighting.."
"Oh.."
Dowoon ended the call before Younghyun could speak more. His hands were suddenly clammy and his heart was beating fast upon hearing Younghyun’s voice on the other end. Now that it dawned on him that Younghyun could be serious about getting back, he felt embarrassed to be in contact again. When in the past, he called so much that Younghyun stopped picking up his calls until he changed his phone number.
Dowoon clung too much that he didn't want to be that kind of person anymore. He doesn't want to be hurt again. And worst, by the same person. Because by then, it will no longer be an innocent love but an act of idiocracy.
xx--------------------------------------xx‐------------‐------------xx
Younghyun stares at his phone after the phone call is cut off. He was reminded of how much time they used to spend on the phone in each of their bedrooms when they couldn't see each other. Back then, it felt like a punishment because Younghyun would miss Dowoon so much. Even when he became a trainee, he wanted to keep their contact so bad but as his younger self grew to understand how the entertainment industry works, the fear kept growing. With so much restriction, it felt like he couldn't call and he couldn't pick up the calls of a lover. He was so desperate to prove his parents wrong in his chosen path that he didn't realize he was turning into a coward. Dowoon loved him sincerely and trusted all of his decisions but he could not even spare him a little of his time and without realizing it, Dowoon had slipped away.
Younghyun dreamt of becoming an idol as a kid and he dreamt of it until he made it but once his dream was in his reach and his debut date was confirmed, rather than happiness, it felt like a task that he only had to accomplish. He doesn't remember when he stopped dreaming of becoming an idol. Because every time he closes his eyes, a scenario where he is a tired office employee living with his greatest love comes to mind. Not an ideal kind of love in this economy but his heart and mind can only be in peace in that thought.
Even during the meeting with the composer, Younghyun was jittery and kept peeking at his watch. Once it was over, he requested his manager to drive him to a restaurant so he could buy Kimchi Jjigae.
"You got two? Are you that hungry?"
"Yeah.."
"Don't eat too much, comeback is around the corner."
Younghyun ran and quickly took an elevator to his apartment without saying goodbye which looked very odd to the manager but decided not to mind.
Once Younghyun was in front of his door, he gulped and took a breather before cooly unlocking the door. Dowoon was already inside (he gave the passcode after sending the address), sitting in his living room and reading a script with eyeglasses on, as breathtaking as he is. Now that he is seeing the actor after a week, it finally dawned on him that what he said in his room wasn't a dream after all. His confession wasn't too sudden, he knew the answer by heart but he also knew he was desperate. From the last time they saw each other in High School to the chance they'd meet one another at work, there was never a time Dowoon had never given him a cold shoulder but in those three days they spent together, he was so kind and lovely, just like the Dowoon he loved that he was terrified to go back to the way they are. And Younghyun would've known that Dowoon was only nice for helping resolve the scandal and yet, he still wanted to force himself into the actor's life when he was living peacefully on his own, it's making Younghyun anxious because he was aware that Dowoon hated him. Dowoon never gave a sincere answer. He knew the actor only agreed because he was afraid of what Younghyun would do.
"Am I late?"
"No, you're okay. I'm working too." He raises the script to assure the idol.
"Every time you're asked about your favorite food, you always mention that you like Kimch Jjigae so I bought it."
"I told you not to talk like a fan. You know I like it since I was a kid." Dowoon stands up from his seat and follows Younghyun to the kitchen.
"Yeah, you're right."
"I also bought pizza. Min Ji Noona was craving it so I thought I should buy something to eat." He points to the box of pizza he placed on the dining table after his arrival.
"You haven't eaten, right?"
"I did not."
"I will prepare it now."
"Hmm.."
Dowoon was almost quiet the entire dinner and barely touched his food as they sat face-to-face. A heavy atmosphere fills the room. It was as if something was happening in Dowoon's mind and Younghyun was uneasy in case he already changed his mind.
But Dowoon was the first to break the ice, sensing the awful silence. "Younghyun-ah.. is your passcode my birthday?"
"Ah, you're right." He shyly replied. "Your birthday was easier to remember compared to mine."
"Are you saying that because you're a fan?" Dowoon tried to laugh at the ridiculous thought although, it wasn't funny at all.
Younghyun softly smiles as he pokes the red soup in his bowl with a spoon. "There was a time when I was too drunk and Sungjin Hyung took me home. He asked me for my passcode but he said I keep calling your name. You were still a rookie back then so he doesn't know who you are but he searched you on the internet and tried to type your birthday. He kept teasing me about it and now, all of them know my passcode."
"Why don't you change it?"
"I can't. When I'm drunk I can't think of anything else but you."
Dowoon looked down to his soup. "Bullshit." He murmured and glared. "If I was a rookie then you've been an idol for two or three years. Everyone's secretly dating in this industry, you think you'd fool me."
"Have you dated anyone after me?"
Dowoon huffs. "Of course, what do you take me for?" Dowoon replies but when he realizes that it feels like he is trying to pick a fight, he pauses and bites his lower lip.
"I knew you would. You've always been attractive since the day we met." Younghyun looks into Dowoon's eyes with a soft smile on his face. Like the way he used to when they started dating. Younghyun was really good at seducing him with his face and Dowoon felt troubled as the heat crawled to his cheeks. His logic can never work for Younghyun.
"I also want to ask you something.. how did you become an actor? I never really imagined you'd like to do this career."
"I thought you were reading my interviews."
"I'm never convinced. You wanted to be a drum teacher."
"Yeah, you're right. I don't. But I grew fond of it."
Younghyun tilts his head out of curiosity.
Noticing the curious look, Dowoon releases the spoon he is holding to the table and gazes into Younghyun's eyes. "I became an actor because of you. I was curious about what's so special about this world and why you like it so much. So I tried to fit in. I realized it's fun to be looked up to and to be supported by many people, they root for me and trust my ability. But it also means that you have a lot of things to protect. That's when I started to truly understand you and slowly forgive our past. That's also when I finally took acting seriously, I wanted to succeed so I don't have to embarrass you every time you talk about me." An unnatural smile reflects on Dowoon's lips. Tears start to form in his eyes as he looks down to the ground as if it's the most interesting thing in the room.
Younghyun's brows furrowed. "I'll never be embarrassed of you."
Dowoon gulps down and scowls. "But I am. I'm embarrassed of myself. Of how I acted towards you."
"Why would you? You did nothing wrong. I was the one who acted like my dreams were the most important in the world. I neglected you. I left you hanging when you needed me the most. I failed you."
Dowoon had not realized that when he was biting his lower lip to keep the urge to cry, it started to bleed. Yet, it didn't hurt. His body was too numb to feel anything aside from the tight pain in his chest that he wished he could rip it apart so it didn't have to be hurt again. Dowoon whimpered and sniffled until he could not control the tears falling from his eyes.
Younghyun hastily grabs a tissue and walks up to Dowoon before he sits on his knees. He carefully takes Dowoon's hands to his just like the last time and wipes off the blood in his lips. Once the blood stops flowing, he caresses his thumb to the actor's cheek and raises the actor's jaw to look upon him where tears have already formed from his eyes as well. "I made you insecure, It was all my fault. I was a coward... I admit that but that doesn't mean I'd never want to see you again. You have no idea how excited I get whenever our schedules align. I get depressed whenever I realize that I still like you. I tried to fight it and convinced myself that it was time to get over but even after thirteen years, no one can replace you. I haven't thought of anyone but you. I don't understand why would I never want to see you again. Why would you think of that?"
"You should know it better." Dowoon aggressively pulled his hands away from Younghyun's grasp. "I called you a million times. I messaged you but.. but you never replied. Then.. you changed your number. I went to see you. I skipped so many classes I almost failed my subjects but you never came to see me. You were already sick of me! But I still kept chasing... I still kept trying. You must've hated my persistence." The tears in Dowoon's eyes kept falling like a waterfall. "Younghyun-ah, be honest with me.. do you only want to get back together because you feel bad about me?"
And Dowoon's million-dollar question was finally gotten off his chest. From the day Younghyun kissed him again, he had been anxious. It was like a repeat of the history he's been afraid to return to that he knew he would never win against so he let it as it is. But it's different now, Younghyun wants him back. Why would Younghyun want him back when he chose to leave him?
"What are you talking about? That's not true." Younghyun shakes his head like a child in an unjust situation. When Younghyun was a trainee, it was difficult to have control of his own life. There was a monthly evaluation that he needed to keep up. The management would watch not only their performance but also their behavior, diet, and even their relationships with anyone and who they talk to in private. They can't even leave the dorm without permission. "I... I didn’t mean to change my phone number. I didn't want to talk to my parents at first so when the agency asked I kept lying that it was spam that they suggested I could change my phone number. I contacted you first, to tell you that I would change my phone number but you never got back to me."
Dowoon was puzzled. "You said you didn't want me to contact you anymore.. and of all times, I broke my phone when I tried to visit you. I also tried to call you using my friend's number but it says your phone number doesn't exist. That's when I realized that you really hate me. So I decided not to get a new phone anymore. You know I only got one because of you."
It was true that there were too many times he missed Dowoon's calls and messages because of his ambition. There were too many times that he stepped back in fear of anyone learning about his relationship with the boy. But the more he tried to run, the more he was losing the one he loved. That all he thought Dowoon had lost interest in him. He will never ask Dowoon not to contact him anymore, how can he do that to someone he loves?
"And.. I didn't know you came to see me. I never heard of it." Younghyun was baffled at the thought. He should've known if someone had come to see him. His friends and his mother came but his father who didn't want to see him and Dowoon never reached out to him. He'd ask about Dowoon every time his mother came but she'd always say she hadn't seen the boy for a while and years later he'd known Dowoon was still in contact with his parents because he wasn't home. No one ever told him anything. "I should've asked... I should've tried harder." He whispers.
"I.. came to see you at your graduation." When he finally got chosen for the final lineup after almost three years of training, he asked for the vacation that he finally got with so much effort.
"I saw you. I just didn't assume that you'd want to see me. So I ignored you. We've always been like that. We pretend not to know each other."
"That day... it finally sank into me that we were completely over. I had a hard time to keep going. It was harder when I fought with my parents." He bitterly scoffed to himself. "I almost got held back from my debut. I wanted to run away but I was also scared to do anything. Now, that I am— we're older, I'm no longer scared of anything. I have lost interest in what others will think of me for a long time. I don't really care if the world knows about us anymore. I don't want to lose you again but if it hurts this much to try again.. shall we take time to reflect? I will wait until you're ready to give me an answer. No matter how long it takes."
Dowoon looks up wide-eyed at Younghyun with the tearstain still on his cheeks. This is not what he came here for. He wanted to see Younghyun because he missed him. He didn't think it would be like this. But if they really have to do this again, they need to talk about their reality and it does hurt... it hurts to be together when Dowoon can only think of the past. However, if the past that he knew was wrong, he wanted to make it right. And it upsets him that Younghyun is taking the initiative not to see each other again.
They never had a proper breakup and maybe that's why they are still hung up with each other but now they know that fate was never truly on their side, it feels like this is the end and it's suffocating to think about it.
"If that's what you want." Dowoon pushed the seat behind him and stood before walking out the door.
Just as he was to step out, a familiar man stood right in front of him, startled by the door suddenly opening in his face. And the man stares in disbelief upon seeing the actor. But Dowoon didn't have the time to apologize or for a chitchat so he ignored the man and left.
